Lucy

Lucy has no brain. Really, she doesn't. We've had it checked out. There's nothing in her little Boxer head, except for a single marble. When Lucy moves, you can hear the marble rolling around and clanking against her cranium. There's absolutely nothing going on up there. But she is the best dog in the entire world... aside from the fact that she has no brain.

Lucy loves ice. Every time we open the refrigerator, she runs over with her marble rattling in her head and stands there shaking like 10,000 volts of electricity are running through her. The only way to get her to stop shaking is to give her a cube of ice. It's been this way ever since she was a puppy. We used to give her ice before bedtime because she had a peeing problem and we thought it might help to give her ice instead of water. Pottie training was hell. Actually, I don't even think what we did would classify as pottie training. It was just kind of a "Snatch-Flee-and-Pee" method. Without warning, Lucy would just start peeing, even if she was walking along. She wouldn't even stop. She'd just keep peeing while she walked. Then I would snatch her up and flee down three flights of stairs in our apartment building, while she urinated all over me and the stairs. By the time I got her outside, there was nothing left in her her. Then I would spend 30 minutes cursing and wiping down the stairwell with paper towels. This happened every night, every stinking night, for months and months and months. So we started giving her ice. This of course did not help at all. She finally got the hang of peeing outside (somewhere around age 6 or 7 I think), but she still loves ice. Oh, and she still pees while she walks. It's the stupidest thing you've ever seen.

Lucy breaks into a full sprint and runs around like a crazy dog on crystal meth after she poops. It's her trademark. I don't know why she does this. All I know is that if I see Lucy running around the yard like a retard, it means I have to go get a plastic bag and pick up something disgusting.

Lucy always wins the cute contest. Almost every night we have the cute contest, with Lucy and Monte participating. Lucy always gets first and second place. Monte usually comes in a distant third or gets an honorable mention.

Lucy almost drowned herself once. We were walking the dogs around a lake when Lucy was about 6 months old. We walked out onto a long pier and made the mistake of taking off the dogs' leashes. Monte crouched down in the middle of the pier and slowly crept forward, scared out of his little mind. This was the first time Lucy had ever seen a large body of water. So naturally she decided to run and jump off the end of the pier. Naturally, she immediately started to sink. But I managed to pull the brainless wonder back to safety.

Lucy sheds. And I'm not just talking about regular shedding. I'm talking about constant handfuls of fur. I have no idea how she is not completely bald by now. I have to follow her dumb ass around with a vacuum cleaner if I want the house to be clean at all.

Lucy has a permanent gas leak. This makes us especially proud whenever we have people over for dinner. It makes the pork so much more enjoyable when you keep hearing "Ssssssssssss" and then see your guests' eyes watering.

Lucy won't eat. Well, that's not entirely true. She eats sometimes... when everything is just right. It must be completely quiet and still in the entire house because Lucy has no brain and connot cope with more than one thing going on at a time. Monte is the kind of dog that starts eating out of the bowl before the food reaches it. But Lucy needs complete silence in the universe. There can be no movements of any kind to disrupt her and it helps if the lights are turned down just so and nobody is watching her. I guess it's kind of like men and women when it comes to sex. For women, all of the planets must be aligned perfectly and there has to be some unknown trigger in the universe that makes the timing just right. For men, we just need to wait for a commercial and we're good to go. Actually, no, we don't even need to wait for a commercial. We have no requirements. We could be lying on a bunch of jagged rocks with a broken back from a hang gliding accident, and if the opportunity for a little "somethin' somethin'" presented itself, we'd be ready and willing. The morphine could wait.

Lucy will never die. Some people got upset with me in my post about Monte because I made them think Monte had died (which he didn't). I won't do that with Lucy though, because Lucy will never die. That's because things without brains (like rocks and George Bush) never die. And Lucy has no brain.

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