The Thing About Dogs

The thing about dogs... The reason I've always liked them way more than I like most people is that they're very simple. And they're relatively inexpensive too.

This one was on sale. He only cost us $25...

Humans usually cost a lot more than that.

And dogs really don't ask for a lot.

A comfy lap...

A pile of leaves...

A ball...

A little walk now and then...

A good snow storm...

A good pee...

A game of chase...

A quiet corner to enjoy a bone...

An occassional treat...

Another treat...

A kiss...

A hug...

A frisbee...

Someone to play with...

Someone to fight with...

A good nap...

Someone to take a nap with...

Someone to look out the window with...

Someone to grow old with...

A place in the sun...

A little medicine now and then, even if it means a satellite dish on your head...

Room to stretch out...

And a nice day outside...

That's why I like them. That's the thing about dogs.

Good-bye, Monte.

You were a good boy. You were a very good boy.

The Meaning of Life

Today I woke up and I began to ponder the meaning of it all.

I just sat perfectly still.

I breathed slowly and evenly for several minutes.

I cleared my mind of all thoughts.

I completely relaxed every cell in my body.

And then I thought...

What's the point of being here?

Why do things happen the way that they happen?

Who is responsible?

Where are we all going?

And then I closed my eyes and I thought...

Maybe we're simply meant to make the most of each moment, every day.

Maybe we're all making life way more complicated than it needs to be.

Maybe the point is simply to treat others the way we want to be treated.

Maybe if we do that, then it will all come back to us one day.

And then I opened my eyes...

And I saw my fingernails...

And I thought...

I better clip these things soon.

I always wait too long to clip my fingernails.

I hate clipping my fingernails.

Every time I clip one, it goes flying 30 feet away.

And then some dinner guest finds it months later.

Sometimes I bend down over the toilet and clip my fingernails into the toilet bowl.

That works pretty good.

But you gotta make sure you hold your hands down inside the toilet bowl.

Otherwise, the fingernails will fly over to the left.

And some might end up on Jodi's toothbrush.

She might not like that.

So you gotta get your hands right down inside there.

But don't tell Jodi that I'm holding the fingernail clippers inside the toilet.

'Cause she won't like that either.

But it's the only way I can control where my fingernails will go.

So I guess I'll keep doing it that way until God speaks to me and tells me to do it another way.

Even though I hate being that close to the toilet bowl.

I don't like being too close to dumpsters either.

Same with hospitals and rest homes.

Don't even get me started on Long John Silver's.

I should clip my toenails too.

From the Same People Who Brought You Volume 1

Today I read about a child prodigy who performed his first surgical operation at the age of 7.

Okay, two things...

First thing: When I was 7, I was eating Cheese Puffs and watching television. Which is the same thing I'm doing right now, at the age of 41.

Second thing: If you're the guy who let a 7-year-old operate on you, does that make you the stupidest person in the world? I'm just saying.

Now that I have that out of my system, I can tell you that You Had Me At Idiot: Volume 2 is now officially available.

Like Volume 1, some chapters in Volume 2 are based on material from the blog. Other chapters consist of material that has never before been seen by the naked eye. Stuff like "My Brief Life of Crime," "The Day I Almost Killed the Kid on the Cliff," and "The Ugliest Group of People in the World."

No animals were injured during the production of this book.

To buy, click the "Online Store" link to the right.