The Art of Giving Up

One of my favorite movie lines of all times is from Garden State, where the chief slacker says, "I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

That very well could be the real secret to happiness. Being comfortable in your own mediocrity. Either that or having lots and lots of money. I'm really torn between the two.

There was a time when I was ultra competitive. No matter what I was doing, I had to win. And when I lost, I was the sorest loser you've ever seen. Once, after I lost a tennis match, I actually strangled a kitten to death. But in all fairness, it was the kitten's fault for wandering onto the court and taunting me. (No, I didn't really strangle a kitten... it was a small child.)

Then one day in junior high, my basketball coach said to me, "You know, Paul. You're never really going to be good enough. You're too short to play basketball."

Of course, he was right, but maybe the guy shouldn't have been in a position where he was working with kids. I mean, isn't it the first rule of being a teacher that you're supposed to lie to your students? Tell them they can grow up to be anything they want to be? You're not supposed to say, "Yes, Bertha, I realize that you want to grow up and become a doctor. But really, you're far too ugly and stupid. I say you become a maid at the Super 8."

So after my coach told me I was too short to play basketball, that was the beginning of the end. I never went out for basketball again. And whenever I tried something new from that point on and it didn't work out, I quit. Did quitting make me a better person? Of course not. But did it free up a lot more of my time so that I could take naps? Absolutely. I might be a loser, but I'm a well-rested loser.

And now, as an adult, I see other adults all the time who never learned the same valuable lesson that I once did: Sometimes, you're just not good enough and it's okay to give up. You see them in recreation basketball and softball leagues. They act like complete jackasses and just cannot take anything less than winning. Even when it's just a friendly board game with friends or relatives, the competitive spirit kicks in, obnoxiousness ensues, and then I don't want to be around them anymore. They're the reason why some people climb up on towers with guns.

Recently, Jodi's family was over at our house. And every 6 or 7 years, Jodi decides that we should break out our board games. This was one of those times.

So I went out to the garage and brought in our dusty box of board games. They chose Balderdash.

Balderdash is a game where one person picks out a real word, movie, person, etc. (usually a goofy one) and then the other players try to make up a definition/description for it. You get points for tricking other people into picking your definition as the real one... or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention.

Early in the game, I was winning, but then the quitter in me took over and I stopped trying. And, as usual, that turned out to be a lot more fun, and relaxing. Meanwhile, somebody in the game (I won't mention any names, but she gave birth to Jodi) was getting more and more competitive as the game went on. This made me try even less.

Here are some sample rounds from our game. I put an asterisk next to the correct definition. It's usually pretty easy to tell which definition is mine...

NEPIMNEMIC

*Memories of one's youth kept in the subconscious.

Family members who are anemic.

The term for a person who is unable to process glucose.

A person who takes laxatives to lose weight.

A disease where you throw up on a skinny relative.

SPRAINTS

*What otter dung is really called.

Brand name for bandage to wrap sprained ankles.

Lines that form in plastic from being poured into a mold.

To pull a muscle.

Holy men or women with sprained ankles.

CRIZZLE

*A rough, bumpy surface on a pane of glass.

A term used in pottery when adding colors before glazing.

The leftover food in a man's beard.

Ebonics term that means sizzlin hot like bacon.

Urban slang for "crazy." As in, "Don't be actin' all crizzle in my hizzle when I got grizzle in my shizzle!"

ICHNITE

*A fossilized footprint.

A parasite that crawls into the rectum and causes severe diarrhea.

Saliva crust that forms in the corners of your mouth from sleeping with it open.

A hillbilly's way of pronouncing "Ignite." As in: "Hey, Cooter! Hurry and ichnite the fire!"

When a German sets something on fire.

DRINTLING

*A group of 2 or more turkeys.

A silver cup used for wine tasting.

The opposite of a dingaling.

Dwarf spawn of Drint, Dark Sorceress of planet Duh.

An infant with an abnormally large dent in its head.

FIGGUM

*A dangerous trick that involves juggling while spitting fire.

An untruth.

A botanical term to describe how a leaf is attached to a plant.

A pudding served at Christmas.

A homosexual stuck to a tree.

ALVARY TEMPLO (PERSON)

*Inventor of the amazing underwater bicycle.

The first Canadian to climb Mount Everest.

Discovered the Northwest Passage through Canada to Alaska.

Inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver.

The first midget to finish the New York marathon.

BASKETCASE (MOVIE)

*A nice young man arrives at a New York City hotel with his deformed, telepathic mutant brother in a wicker basket.

A movie about mental illness and how it plays out within the family.

A woman suffers from amnesia after her husband hits her in the head with a frying pan.

I got nothing.

A crazy mother who chops up her children and makes crafts out of them.

DIDUNCULUS

*The only living relative of the dodo bird.

Hybrid of the flower rinoculous.

An idiot who says something ridiculous.

The act of processing cheese from curd into dip.

The capital of Nebraska.

 PAXWAX

*A new growth of hair on the head.

Brand name of an ear wax removal wash.

Wax used on surfboards.

Some kind of wax.

A full-body wax where you even do the undercarriage and really get up in there and wax the business.

COCKCHAFER

*A beetle which eats cornstalks.

I don't know but it doesn't sound good.

Some guy acting like a jackass.

Scrub brush used on a cock (rooster).

One who drives penises around the neighborhood.

ALIPILE

*Servant employed to remove unwanted armpit hair.

The silky smooth crushed velvet used to line coffins.

A bump in the road.

Alligator dung.

A pile of dead little girls.

And that's how I spent three hours of my life on Saturday night. I didn't win. I came in dead last, by a wide margin, like I usually do these days.

But I slept really well.

Tragedy in Colby

Some things are just way too horrible for innocent little kids to be exposed to. And what I've got to tell you now is one of those things. So before you read any further, I would recommend that you gather up your little tots and put them all in a safe place where they can't get hurt.

How, you ask?

First, put blindfolds on them. Dark dish towels or socks should work just fine. Then herd them all into your basement, place them all horizontally on the ground, and pile something heavy on top of them so they can't get away. Bricks work pretty well. You just want to make sure they can't escape and get back to your computer monitor where they can read this and be harmed emotionally. Oh, almost forgot... When you do all of this, make sure the curtains are closed in your house. Otherwise, you might get one of those annoying visits from Social Services.

Okay, all done? Are they still making noise? If so, turn the hose on them.

All better? Good.

Okay, now let the horror begin...

The other day, my brother sent me news about our tiny hometown, Colby, Kansas, where a really heart-wrenching tragedy has taken place. It makes me so sick to even think about it. I can hardly bear it.

But I must bear it... for the good of the children.

Here is how the news was reported in the newspaper:

A missing fawn is being looked for by the Colby Police Department. Colby Police Chief Randy Jones said this morning a spot­ted fawn concrete lawn ornament was taken from the yard of Rex Buford in the 900 block of East Eighth Street in Colby. The ornament was reported missing shortly after 9 a.m. on Tuesday. Jones said the ornament is “portrayed lying down.” The estimated value of the ornament is $150. Jones said there are no suspects in the case, which remains open, and if anyone has knowledge about the incident or whereabouts of the fawn they are asked to call the police department at (785) 460-4460.

What really shook me to the core when I read this was the location of the crime. "The 900 block of East Eighth Street." Eighth Street... and I grew up on Fifth Street. When I was a kid, my neighborhood was the most pleasant, "white bread" place on earth. Nobody ever locked their doors. Dogs played in the street and children ran around without leashes. There was zero crime... And now look at it. I mean, we lived on Fifth Street. Fifth Street! It's not like we lived on the other side of the tracks, over at Friendly Acres mobile home park, where all the rat-headed Coors drinkers lived.

Now at first I thought this might be simply a prank involving some kids. But when I saw that the fawn was "portrayed lying down," that's when I knew it was a job by professionals.

And they don't even have any suspects in the case yet. They could be anywhere right now, doing God only knows what to that little fawn ornament.

How can there not be any suspects in the case? Weren't any old ladies watching out their windows? What about footprints? Fingerprints? Hoofprints? Doesn't the fawn have LoJack? So many unanswered questions. And why the hell isn't Nancy Grace talking about this?

It's all over. Our society is officially done for. There's no point in even pretending anymore. First the Manson murders, then Dana Plato, and now this. It was just a fawn ornament. Just a happy little spotted lawn ornament portrayed lying down that never hurt nobody.

Who would do something like this?

I'm just so sick about it. I'm gonna go eat some Tylenol and take a bath.