Best Classifieds from Weirdos

I went on to craigslist yesterday for the first time ever because I needed to submit a classified. I'm prostituting myself in exchange for dental work and a ride to The Dollar Store.

In the process of doing this, I noticed a link called "best-of-craigslist." These are actual ads from actual weirdos, and you can get lost for hours reading these. Following are some of my favorites. I did not edit these at all. They speak for themselves...

WANTED: ROADKILL

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

My Comment: What if I hit a guy? Is the deal still good if I hit a guy?

VINTAGE BRITISH 3 SPEED BICYCLE, VERY NICE! - $30 (Dover)

Perfect for commuting and just leaving outdoors. Great for everyday use. Great "Winter bike"
I cant remember if it is a Mens or a Womens, but I know its a 3 Speed. Pick up only. Bring a shovel.

My Comment: I had a bike just like that once.

WANTED: TIME MACHINE DESPARATE!!!

Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

My Comment: My uncle Ricco has a time machine but the flippin' thing doesn't work.

I WANT SOME ORANGE JUICE

I'll give you $2 + cost if you'll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I'm too lazy to get it myself. I live right by University Drive in Elon. Thank you.

My Comment: I knew there was a good reason somebody came up with the Internet. I knew it was for more than just Facebook.

WANTING TO BORROW A CAT FOR A FEW DAYS

Hi all,

Well, my house is being taken over by rats. Really big rats. Smart too. We've set a few live traps, but they keep escaping them while making off with whatever goody that we've used to lure them. I hate to kill them, they're almost like part of the family... well not really, but they are pretty cute, in a ratty sort of way.

So what I need is a large, rat eating sort of feline to borrow for about a week. Now I don't want to keep the cat, so no underhanded hey you can use my cat, and then I never see you again sort of crap... a week should be all I need.

If you have one I can borrow, please email me... thanks!

My Comment: And if you have an unwanted house guest, you could advertise to borrow somebody's monkey for a few days.

STUNT DOUBLE LOOK ALIKE WANTED FOR FAMILY PHOTO SHOT

Hello i am posting this ad to enjoy some times off from getting dressed,a hair cut and the whole 9 yards.i will pay someone 25 bucks to smile in a photo for me with my in laws.easy money!

here's what i am looking for:
.asian male(26-29)
.Short black hair
.handsome smiles
.5'7
.160lbs
.Handsome like myself
.one messed up teeth

Plus i don't feel like shaving etc

My Comment: Yes, I can see why you'd need a "stunt" double. I'll need to jump off my roof or something in order to get the one messed up teeth.

CAT FOUND!

I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply.

 

My Comment: Umm....

WELL HERE GOES

This is weird... I saw you at the park the other day- you know, the one by the school? You were over by that tree taking a leak and I thought that your coat looked GORGEOUS!! I wanted to sniff your rear end and ask if you use liver oil or fish oil supplements but then a bird distracted me (dunno- I think it was a crow) and I ran off. When I came back you were kinda busy eating some poop. Please please please lemme know...

My Comment: Thank you. The coat was a gift.

PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS

three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two babies. in good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. will trade for a good dog or weed eater, will also consider any kind of alcohol as long as it ain't been opened up.

My Comment: And they say romance is dead.

DECAPITATED DOLLS

My daughter likes to pull the heads off of dolls. The therapist says we should let her, so we do. We have lots of headless dolls. Some of their heads my be retreivable; most probably not.

Free to a good home.

My Comment: Just donate 'em to a blind school.