The PAP Thing

Here's a good lesson to remember: If you mention a prostate exam in a blog, by God you'll be hearing from lots of women about PAP smears. I honestly didn't think I'd be writing this much about body holes this week, but in order to be completely fair to both sexes, I now provide you with my extensive expertise on PAP smears.

For all the men out there (as well as any Kentucky fried women who have never had a PAP smear due to either religious beliefs or the skank factor), I will now explain the PAP smear.

At the risk of getting too technical, PAP is this nasty goo that is found inside women. More specifically, it is the goo located in the snu. And we all know what the snu is.

The best way to think about it is this... You know how 70% of the earth's surface is comprised of water? The other 30% is PAP.

So what happens is that this PAP goo, which originates from the devil, eventually congeals in the snu until it forms letters resulting in demonic messages, such as "Get out!" and "You never listen to me."

This is where the doctor comes in. The doctor has to get up in there in that snu and smear the PAP around in order to mess up the messages from the devil. If you don't smear the PAP in a timely manner, all hell breaks loose and the woman gets her period. It's called a period because once it happens, you're gonna get yelled at, period. You'll get yelled at for everything from using a can opener to mentioning your prostate exam.

Therefore, all women should receive daily PAP smears.

The end.

The Exam... Yes, THAT Exam

Today I had my very first prostate exam. And now I have a message for any gay men who may be reading this:

Are you kidding me?!! Are you freaking kidding me?!!! And that was only a finger!!! Are you kidding me?!!!

I didn't even see it coming. One minute the doctor and I were having a pleasant conversation. I was telling him how I just wanted to have a regular checkup like any guy my age would have. And then the next thing I know, he snaps those gloves on his hands, my pants come down around my ankles, and I'm bent over crying like Nancy Kerrigan: "WHY?!!! WHY?!!! WHY?!!!! WHY?!!!!"

Actually that might be a bit of an exaggeration.

I didn't cry.

I was in too much shock to cry.

But I'll tell you what I did do. I tried to think of the most friendly, non-threatening thing I could imagine. You wanna know what I put into my brain while it was happening?

You really wanna know?

Here's what I was thinking. Here's what I put into my brain:

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings.

That was it. That's what I said over and over to myself while the breach was in progress. That was my defense mechanism.

I don't know why I made myself think that. Maybe because it's better than some of the alternatives:

Squeal boy! SQUEAL!!!! I said SQUEEEEAAAAAL!!!!!

Y-M-C-A! It's fun to stay at the Y-M-C-A! You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal, you can do whatever you feel...

Oh Mandy, well you came and you gave without takin', but I sent you away oh Mandy...

And then the doctor starts squirming the end of his finger around and says, "Well, it's nice and smooth. No nodules or anything. Your prostate is a little on the large size though."

Now somebody please tell me how you can get all of that information just by wiggling your finger. When the electricity at my house goes out, I can't tell whether I'm holding a box of matches or a can of tuna in the dark. And that's using all ten fingers. So how can they describe your prostrate by using just the tip of their finger? And not even the whole finger. Just the tip! It's like he puts his finger in there and says, "Aha! Six more weeks of winter!"

I think they're making it all up. I really do! I think they're like those archaeologist guys on the Discovery Channel. You've seem 'em. They're standing on some random patch of dirt and they say things like...

"Right here is where the ancient Mayans had their sleeping quarters. They used bunk beds. And we know this because we found some rocks in this spot."

Then they walk five feet away and say, "And over here is where they had a bath house and an altar where they sacrificed virgins and an eat-in kitchen where they made avocado dip. We base this on that fact that a cat skull was discovered nearby."

And you're sitting there on your couch, and all you can see is a bunch of dirt. How do they know all this? They don't! They're just making this shit up!

But we believe it. Yes, we fall for it hook, line, and sinker. Why? Because what's the alternative? Listening to a family of breeders who squeeze out 20 children like Pez and then get their own reality television show and insist that the earth is only 5000 years old because that's what a guy in polyester pants told them in Sunday School? Sorry, I'm taking sides with the archaeologist making things up. At least he has a notebook.

And another thing! Who crowned Nancy Grace Queen of the Amber Alert?!

And why don't people who live in the South know how to merge into traffic?!

And when is Microsoft going to fix that one bug that gives you a message that says, "Hey! You're computer is screwed up! We're gonna shut your computer down now because we're lazy slackasses who don't want to spend any time fixing bugs!"

And why didn't I think of the ShamWow first?

......................I know I'm getting a little off track here. Sorry. I'm just trying to forget about the fact that a guy had his finger up my butthole today........................

And another thing! Why can't I find anyone to buy my house?!

And who leaves a full diaper sitting in the middle of a parking lot?!

And how come that one guy on The Biggest Loser looks like a set of window blinds made out of fat?!

And why do I have 4 tons of laundry to do every week if I always wear the same thing 3 days in a row?!...........

Best Classifieds from Weirdos

I went on to craigslist yesterday for the first time ever because I needed to submit a classified. I'm prostituting myself in exchange for dental work and a ride to The Dollar Store.

In the process of doing this, I noticed a link called "best-of-craigslist." These are actual ads from actual weirdos, and you can get lost for hours reading these. Following are some of my favorites. I did not edit these at all. They speak for themselves...

WANTED: ROADKILL

I want your roadkill. Why, might you ask? Simple. I drive around and regularly see 1-2 deer a week on the side of the road, rotting. Since an average deer has about 80-120 pounds of usable venison on it, its a shame that all that meat is wasted. Plus, you can't normally buy venison, so unless you have a hunting friend or hunt yourself (or pay crazy prices at a restaurant), you can never enjoy the lean, tasty meat that is venison.

So, here's my offer. If you happen to hit a deer (or larger animal, although I don't think we have many of those in southern Virginia), you can bring the animal to me, and I'll carve it up for you, and split the meat 50/50. I hunt, and I do my own butchering, so it doesn't take too long for me, and I enjoy it. Since hunting season is now passed, I'd like something to occupy my time, while also filling my freezer.

There are rules though, like anything else in life:
1. It has to be a deer or bigger. I'm not carving up a flat squirrel for you.
2. It must be less than a day old. God only knows what happens to the carcass after a day of sitting there.
3. You have to call the police after your accident. The cops come out and issue you a permit so that you legally own the deer. It's quick, and it keeps it legal (I'm not carving up poached animals, and if you poach, you should rid the world of your sorry existence).
4. You bring the animal to me (I'm in Suffolk), and I do the rest, and call you when its done. If you live in Suffolk, or hit the deer in Suffolk, I could come to you, but I'm not driving to VA Beach at 10 pm at night.
5. I'll cut up the animal and give half the meat to you in sealed bags. I'll even label it, so you'll know what cuts you're getting. You eat it and enjoy!

Of course, you may feel odd eating roadkill. I mean, that's a redneck thing, right? Absolutely untrue. For starters, you're using meat that would normally be wasted, so its good for the environment. Venison is leaner (deer don't sit on big farms eating corn), healthier (no injected hormones here!), and tastier (there is no such thing as "gamey" meat. That's just anti-hunters trying to justify themselves) than beef. Plus, you get it for nothing (except whatever your car insurance deductible is, if you decide to file a claim). All these positive reasons are sure to impress your hippie friends, if you are unfortunate enough to have some.

Drop me an email (I check it all the time, so replies won't take long) when you hit a deer. If you're a police officer and want my phone number (since you probably get calls all the time), you can email me and I'll give you my cell number. If its late, you can always temporarily store the animal at your house and bring it over when I get back to you.

Start enjoying the meat of your unfortunate labors!

My Comment: What if I hit a guy? Is the deal still good if I hit a guy?

VINTAGE BRITISH 3 SPEED BICYCLE, VERY NICE! - $30 (Dover)

Perfect for commuting and just leaving outdoors. Great for everyday use. Great "Winter bike"
I cant remember if it is a Mens or a Womens, but I know its a 3 Speed. Pick up only. Bring a shovel.

My Comment: I had a bike just like that once.

WANTED: TIME MACHINE DESPARATE!!!

Desperately need a time machine to take me back 6 weeks in time, plus or minus a day. If you have a time machine and are willing to let me borrow it, or know of someone with an impending trip back in time, please let me know ASAP!

I will pay big bucks to have myself warned to NOT sleep with that tramp at the One and Only Bar on the Boulevard.

Tell me that she is very, VERY fertile that night in question, and has a whopping 3 STDs that I will get if I copulate with her.

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

I WILL WRITE YOU A BLANK CHECK IF THAT'S WHAT IT TAKES!

Key things that will let the me in the past know you are for real:

*Tell me that you know about the rubber ducky incident

*Tell me that you know that I pissed in my friends pool last week, when he was in it.

*Tell me that no matter how hard I try, the lesbian at Barnes and Noble will NEVER go for it, no matter how many sex books I ask her opinions on.

If I still doubt you- use this one-----

*Mention that you know I made out with my cousin when we were drunk at a kegger last summer- NO ONE KNOWS THIS BUT US TWO!!

VERY VERY IMPORTANT THAT I GET THIS MESSAGE!!!

My Comment: My uncle Ricco has a time machine but the flippin' thing doesn't work.

I WANT SOME ORANGE JUICE

I'll give you $2 + cost if you'll deliver me some orange juice with receipt. I'm too lazy to get it myself. I live right by University Drive in Elon. Thank you.

My Comment: I knew there was a good reason somebody came up with the Internet. I knew it was for more than just Facebook.

WANTING TO BORROW A CAT FOR A FEW DAYS

Hi all,

Well, my house is being taken over by rats. Really big rats. Smart too. We've set a few live traps, but they keep escaping them while making off with whatever goody that we've used to lure them. I hate to kill them, they're almost like part of the family... well not really, but they are pretty cute, in a ratty sort of way.

So what I need is a large, rat eating sort of feline to borrow for about a week. Now I don't want to keep the cat, so no underhanded hey you can use my cat, and then I never see you again sort of crap... a week should be all I need.

If you have one I can borrow, please email me... thanks!

My Comment: And if you have an unwanted house guest, you could advertise to borrow somebody's monkey for a few days.

STUNT DOUBLE LOOK ALIKE WANTED FOR FAMILY PHOTO SHOT

Hello i am posting this ad to enjoy some times off from getting dressed,a hair cut and the whole 9 yards.i will pay someone 25 bucks to smile in a photo for me with my in laws.easy money!

here's what i am looking for:
.asian male(26-29)
.Short black hair
.handsome smiles
.5'7
.160lbs
.Handsome like myself
.one messed up teeth

Plus i don't feel like shaving etc

My Comment: Yes, I can see why you'd need a "stunt" double. I'll need to jump off my roof or something in order to get the one messed up teeth.

CAT FOUND!

I found this guy the other day on my back porch. I tried feeding him and it turns out that he is not very friendly because i think he may be scared. Not quite sure the breed but I am assuming he is part Siamese. I have him in a crate because he is not really house broken. If he is yours please reply.

 

My Comment: Umm....

WELL HERE GOES

This is weird... I saw you at the park the other day- you know, the one by the school? You were over by that tree taking a leak and I thought that your coat looked GORGEOUS!! I wanted to sniff your rear end and ask if you use liver oil or fish oil supplements but then a bird distracted me (dunno- I think it was a crow) and I ran off. When I came back you were kinda busy eating some poop. Please please please lemme know...

My Comment: Thank you. The coat was a gift.

PINK PLASTIC LAWN FLAMINGOS

three pink plastic lawn flamingos, the momma, the daddy and two babies. in good shape except the momma has a bullet hole. will trade for a good dog or weed eater, will also consider any kind of alcohol as long as it ain't been opened up.

My Comment: And they say romance is dead.

DECAPITATED DOLLS

My daughter likes to pull the heads off of dolls. The therapist says we should let her, so we do. We have lots of headless dolls. Some of their heads my be retreivable; most probably not.

Free to a good home.

My Comment: Just donate 'em to a blind school.