The ShamWow Idiot

This is going to be a short one, but I have to get this off my chest because, for some reason, I can't stop thinking about it...

You know the ShamWow guy? That creepy pedophile-turpentine-snorting-looking guy that does the commercials selling those rags they call the ShamWow? You know that guy? If you don't, you need to start watching more television.

Anyway, you know that guy? Yeah, that guy.

In the commercial he says, and I quote, "You're going to spend $20 on paper towels every month anyway."

What in the hell are you doing that you need to go through $20 of paper towels a month?

I went to Costco one time and bought this enormous silo of paper towels. It cost me $4. That was in 1989. I'm still using those paper towels. That's how many rolls came in the silo.

The only reason you would need $20 of paper towels every month is if you are sitting on your roof with a 12-guage, picking off joggers as they go by. Then dragging them through your house, cutting up the bodies on your kitchen floor, throwing the body parts at the wall to create impressionist art, and then playing slip-n-slide in your hallway with the rest of the blood. If you did that every day, then yeah, I could see you spending quite a bit on paper towels.

So, that being said, this is how we track down all of the serial killers in this country... Go grab this fruitcake by his uneven eyebrows and waterboard him until he tells us who is buying all these ShamWows from him. We do that and we will finally have peace on earth, good will toward men.