My American Idol Audition

God, I have stupid dreams.

So in this particular dream, Jodi and I are wandering around some kind of amusement park. That's when I first knew this was going to be a really stupid dream, because that's about the last place you would find me and Jodi. We can't stand amusement parks. Mainly because there are people at amusement parks. And neither one of us likes to be around lots of people, especially when they're having fun. If I ever decided to be a sniper, I'd probably climb up on top of the Matterhorn at Disneyland and have a field day picking off slow, overfed bovine families.

As we're walking around, we came across this sort of cave thingie. Inside they were having American Idol auditions, and it looked like they were just wrapping up for the day. So Jodi says, "Oooh! Get's go try out for American Idol!" And I said, "Yeah!"

I thought I heard once that in your dreams you were never supposed to do anything that you wouldn't normally do in real life. That's why none of this makes any sense. We would never go to an amusement park, and we would never try out for American Idol. We don't have simulated fun and we don't sing. I don't know how I can be any clearer.

Now, I will admit that we sometimes watch the show in the first few weeks of a new season, because we like to watch dumpy, acne-ridden redheaded freaks being told by the judges that they really have nothing to offer society. But then we generally stop watching once they get past the auditions, because the idea of our country's biggest musical stars being selected on a game show is just too stupid of a concept for us to handle. I can't fathom Jimi Hendrix performing on American Idol. I can't imagine John Bonham choking on his own vomit on stage while Randy Jackson says, "Dawg, it was just allright for me. There were some pitchy things going on there. It was just alright for me." And then Paula Abdul would say, "John, you take my breath away (tear). This wasn't your best performance, but you're just so magical." And then Simon Cowell would say, "John, it was a complete disaster (boooooo). No, it was. Let me finish. Let me finish. John, massive vomit chunks aside, I just think it was the wrong song choice for you. I would have much rather have seen you do a Neal Sedaka number or something from The Lion King." (Yes, I know Bonham was a drummer; just go with it.)

So we walk up to the table outside the cave thingie and we sign up as the last two contestants for the day.

We go inside the cave. But before getting to the area with the real judges, we first had to perform for three preliminary judges. These preliminary judges were some kind of midget monkey people species. We both sang. The midget monkey people judges didn't say anything, didn't move, didn't throw their feces at us. We took that as a good sign and we moved on to the next part of the cave where the real judges waited for us.

First, Jodi sang for them. I couldn't make out the song she was singing because she was kind of doing this weird, raspy whisper voice. Plus, she was mispronouncing some words and completely making up other words. It was like watching Jesse Jackson audition with laringitis.

The judges said, "Okay thanks," and Jodi walked off to the side in defeat and humiliation. Then it was my turn.

My performance was completely the opposite of Jodi's. I inhaled a bunch of air and then I sang/scream as loud as I could:

ALL THE LEAVES ARE BROWN! LEAVES ARE BROWN! LEAVES ARE BROWN! LEAVES ARE BROWN!

AND THE SKY IS GRAY! SKY IS GRAY! SKY IS GRAY! SKY IS GRAY!

I DON'T KNOW THE REST OF THE WOOOOOOOOOORDS!

BUT I'LL SING THIS ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

All of the judges looked at me and said, "Fantastic! Absolutely remarkable!" Then they stood up, because I was the last contestant, and they walked off.

Instead of handing me a yellow piece of paper like they usually do, some assistant handed me two or three clipboards with a whole bunch of legal looking papers in all the colors of the rainbow, telling me that I now needed to fill them out.

As Jodi and I walked off, I said to her, "I'm not sure if I made it or not. They usually give you a yellow piece of paper. I'm not sure if I made it. I think I did, but I'm not sure."

And Jodi said, "Oh yeah, I think you made it alright. I think they put you in the senior division."

Then I woke up.

Recipes from Stupid Children

Jodi's mom brought over a couple of big boxes filled with pictures from the 70s and 80s, and lots of Jodi's old things from when she was a kid. I think she brought these over because she wanted us to feed her.

So in between the pictures of Jodi with pigtails and the report cards (all of which repeatedly said that Jodi MUST try to work on her times tables for once in her life and that Jodi is NOT showing much interest in academics and that Jodi would do better if she didn't TALK SO MUCH IN CLASS) there was a little booklet thing with this on the cover:

KINDERGARTEN KOOKBOOK

Written by: Coronita AM Kindergarten

Date: Mother's Day, May 11, 1975

Well, I picked it up and read all the way through it. And then I set it down and said, "Man, kids are really stupid. These recipes are terrible!" And then I had to quickly say, "Except your recipe, honey. Yours was good." And then when she turned away I rolled my eyes.

I'll let you be the judge. Here they are. Recipes from the 1975 kindergarten class at Coronita Elementary School in Corona, California. I say none of these kids were very bright. Except Jodi of course.

OVER-EASY EGGS

You just crack the eggs open and let them out!

- Scott McIntosh

WATERMELON

1 T. sugar

Cut it in pieces.

Make sure it is cold.

Put on plate on the piano.

- Saul Hernandez

STRAWBERRY PIE

I don't know how to cook the crust, but it's first.

On top of the crust you put sugar and then the berries.

Cook for 11 min. at 300˚

- Carrie Byer

PANCAKES

1 C. grease

2 eggs

1 piece bread

Put on the stove.

Cook 2 hours at 50˚

- Julie Marquecho

WAFFLES

Eggs first and then milk.

Then put butter on them.

Cook them and eat them.

- Velma Filmes

BAKED APPLE

3 C. sugar

1 C. water

4 C. flour

14 apples

Mix everything up.

Cook 2 min. at 4˚

- Alan Cavazos

FRUIT PIE

3 green berries

3 orange berries

9 yellow berries

11 apples

10 T. sugar

11 C. flour

Stir it.

Cook 7 hours at 100˚

- Juliet Gonzales

FRIED RED APPLE

1 C. white sugar

5 apples

1/2 C. milk

little bit cinnamon

Peel apples, put everything else on top.

Fry them in any pan you got.

Cook 4 hours at 10˚

- Jodi Norman

PANCAKES

1 egg

1 T. salt

1 C. milk

1 qt. syrup

1 gob of butter

Cook 24 hours at 30˚

- Tony Hernandez

EGGS - FRIED

Break them - no egg shells.

Put butter on can.

Cook - not very long in a hot pan

- Mark Kennedy

PANCAKES

1/2 C. butter

1/2 C. syrup

1/2 C. oil

1/2 C. flour

1/2 C. toast

Cook 8 hours in real hot pan - 8˚

- Jerald Mendzer

BAKED APPLE

5 T. sugar

Just a little pepper (that's a scoop).

1/2 load butter

3 apples

Mix with a spoon.

Cook in oven 10 hours at 10˚

- Tommy Eilits

FRIED CHICKEN

1 C. grease

1 chicken

little bit of salt

Always use no eggs.

Cook 15 hours at 5˚

- Bryon Weitzeil

ORANGE JUICE

Open a can of juice with a can opener.

Put juice in pitcher and fill the can three or four times with water.

Mix it well, put the lid on and put in "frig."

- Gary Dyal

BAKED APPLE

1 tsp. sugar

5 C. water

lots of butter

Take off all the red stuff.

Bake it 1˚ for 12 hrs.

- Brooke Fair

PANNY CAKES

1/2 C. panny cake mix

4 C. milk

3 eggs

lots of grease

Mix with wooden spoon.

Take spoon and put it on a panny cake pan.

Cook 1 min. at 5˚

- Deena Nolin

BAKED EGG

1 C. oil

1 egg

Mix it in pan.

Cook in pan in the oven 1 min. at 3000˚

-Michael Carrillo

WAFFLES

1/2 C. butter

1/2 C. flour

1/2 C. syrup

1/2 C. egg

1/2 C. salt

Cook in pan until they get soft and start to smoke.

- Rachel Rodriquez

BAKED CHICKEN

1 C. flour

2 C. sugar

3 tsp. salt and pepper

Mix it, set it out in sun on a table until mushy. Then put it in oven.

Bake in oven 12 min. at 5˚

- Melissa Conant

EGGS

Break them.

Put them in a bowl.

Cook 2 hours at 4˚

- Julie Marquecho

APPLE PIE

8 apples

9 C. sugar

3 tsp. milk

Cut off stem.

Cook 4 hours in awful hot pan - 21˚

Always check it.

- Stacy Mascaro