My American Idol Audition

God, I have stupid dreams.

So in this particular dream, Jodi and I are wandering around some kind of amusement park. That's when I first knew this was going to be a really stupid dream, because that's about the last place you would find me and Jodi. We can't stand amusement parks. Mainly because there are people at amusement parks. And neither one of us likes to be around lots of people, especially when they're having fun. If I ever decided to be a sniper, I'd probably climb up on top of the Matterhorn at Disneyland and have a field day picking off slow, overfed bovine families.

As we're walking around, we came across this sort of cave thingie. Inside they were having American Idol auditions, and it looked like they were just wrapping up for the day. So Jodi says, "Oooh! Get's go try out for American Idol!" And I said, "Yeah!"

I thought I heard once that in your dreams you were never supposed to do anything that you wouldn't normally do in real life. That's why none of this makes any sense. We would never go to an amusement park, and we would never try out for American Idol. We don't have simulated fun and we don't sing. I don't know how I can be any clearer.

Now, I will admit that we sometimes watch the show in the first few weeks of a new season, because we like to watch dumpy, acne-ridden redheaded freaks being told by the judges that they really have nothing to offer society. But then we generally stop watching once they get past the auditions, because the idea of our country's biggest musical stars being selected on a game show is just too stupid of a concept for us to handle. I can't fathom Jimi Hendrix performing on American Idol. I can't imagine John Bonham choking on his own vomit on stage while Randy Jackson says, "Dawg, it was just allright for me. There were some pitchy things going on there. It was just alright for me." And then Paula Abdul would say, "John, you take my breath away (tear). This wasn't your best performance, but you're just so magical." And then Simon Cowell would say, "John, it was a complete disaster (boooooo). No, it was. Let me finish. Let me finish. John, massive vomit chunks aside, I just think it was the wrong song choice for you. I would have much rather have seen you do a Neal Sedaka number or something from The Lion King." (Yes, I know Bonham was a drummer; just go with it.)

So we walk up to the table outside the cave thingie and we sign up as the last two contestants for the day.

We go inside the cave. But before getting to the area with the real judges, we first had to perform for three preliminary judges. These preliminary judges were some kind of midget monkey people species. We both sang. The midget monkey people judges didn't say anything, didn't move, didn't throw their feces at us. We took that as a good sign and we moved on to the next part of the cave where the real judges waited for us.

First, Jodi sang for them. I couldn't make out the song she was singing because she was kind of doing this weird, raspy whisper voice. Plus, she was mispronouncing some words and completely making up other words. It was like watching Jesse Jackson audition with laringitis.

The judges said, "Okay thanks," and Jodi walked off to the side in defeat and humiliation. Then it was my turn.

My performance was completely the opposite of Jodi's. I inhaled a bunch of air and then I sang/scream as loud as I could:

ALL THE LEAVES ARE BROWN! LEAVES ARE BROWN! LEAVES ARE BROWN! LEAVES ARE BROWN!

AND THE SKY IS GRAY! SKY IS GRAY! SKY IS GRAY! SKY IS GRAY!

I DON'T KNOW THE REST OF THE WOOOOOOOOOORDS!

BUT I'LL SING THIS ANYWAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!

All of the judges looked at me and said, "Fantastic! Absolutely remarkable!" Then they stood up, because I was the last contestant, and they walked off.

Instead of handing me a yellow piece of paper like they usually do, some assistant handed me two or three clipboards with a whole bunch of legal looking papers in all the colors of the rainbow, telling me that I now needed to fill them out.

As Jodi and I walked off, I said to her, "I'm not sure if I made it or not. They usually give you a yellow piece of paper. I'm not sure if I made it. I think I did, but I'm not sure."

And Jodi said, "Oh yeah, I think you made it alright. I think they put you in the senior division."

Then I woke up.