Obvious News

Why do news people keep telling me stuff I already know? Every time I turn on the TV it seems like there's a brand new government report that cost us taxpayers $30 million, and it's always something like, "A new study just out today suggests that more and more Americans are fat." Yeah, I kinda figured that out when I looked out the window.

I wanna know who is coming up with these studies and how I can get that job. That's a career I believe I could really sink my teeth into. Unfortantely I don't remember this even coming up as an option when I met with my high school guidance counselor.

"You know, Paul, graduation is just around the corner. Any thoughts on what you'd like to do for the rest of your life."

"Well, what I'd really like to do is sit around all day and think up obvious shit."

Hey it's pretty clear somebody's got that job. Why not me? I could crank out 40 or 50 of those reports per hour.

Here are some of my favorite obvious news stories that I have actually heard or read about. I swear I'm not making these up.

Dirty air is bad. The report says that if the air is so bad that you can see it, you shouldn't breathe it. That's a great tip, but I'm not sure how far I can walk or run while holding my breath. When I was a kid I was able to tread water in public pee-infested swimming pool for several minutes. I wonder if that kind of training would come in handy for this type of situation. I wonder if treading water in several gallons of pee while simultaneously breathing in smog is bad for you too. The study didn't say.

Cheap beer encourages college students to drink more. And to throw stuff off of balconies more. And to barf on your neighbor more. And to sleep with gutter trolls more. And to hook your nipples up to car batteries more. And to wake up naked at the zoo more.....

Objects that are farther away are harder to see. And they actually paid someone to point that out, can you believe that? I once pointed out to my dad that the rosary makes people want to go to sleep and I didn't get paid nothin for that.

Your memory gets worse as you get... Um... How did that one go again?

Texting while driving is dangerous. But they didn't say anything about painting with watercolors or clipping your toenails while driving. So that's a huge relief.

There is a negative relationship between methamphetamine and risky sexual behavior. So if you and your partner(s) are planning on tying yourselves to bungee cords and rutting over a busy freeway during a lightning storm, it's best not to smoke any crystal meth beforehand. It's much better to have a Red Bull instead.

Illegal immigrants don't have as much insurance as the rest of us. Hard to believe this one is true. 'Cause I always pictured two guys hiding behind a bush saying, "Okay, we made it across the border. Now the first thing we gotta do is get a dental plan."