Everything is Falling Apart

Everything is falling apart, nothing works, all my crap is broken, I can't fix any of it... and I want some Skittles.

My old VW bug won't turn over. Won't even try. People tell me, "The good thing about old Bugs is that they're really easy to fix." Yeah, well maybe if you're not a complete moron. But apparently I'm a complete morn. I lift up the thingie to look at the old greasy engine. I have no idea what I'm supposed to be looking at. Not the first clue. I looked online. Someone said to check the starter solnoid. What in the hell is a solnoid and why didn't someone teach me about it in 5th grade if it's so damn important? They were real careful to teach me about fractions, which I've never used in my life. I'm still waiting for the day when I'll use fractions. Never once has anyone asked me to do fractions in a job interview.... So now, because I don't know anything about solnoids, I need to call the drunken hillbillies at the gas station down the block, who are apparently way smarter than I am, and I have to give them a bunch of meth money to fix this old car so it runs for another 2 or 3 weeks before it breaks again. Then I'll rinse and repeat.

I've been through 8,000 virus software thingies in the last year. They all say the same thing. "Install this to get rid of all your problems so your computer runs fast again." None of them do anything useful. NONE. I give each one of them $49.95, spend a day installing the software, run the scan, it tells me it removes stuff, but the computer still reacts to mouse clicks like a mental patient reacts to a game of chess after being hit in the head with a wrench. At the very least, can just one person on this planet please answer this question for me: "Where do all of these viruses come from in the first place, and why can't we hunt down whoever is responsible and kill them with sticks?" Personally I'd like to kill them with sticks AND pee on them. Just once. That's all I ask. Is that too much to ask? Really? Is it?

Our dishwasher doesn't actually clean any dishes. It makes a hell of a noise, but that's about it. On the bright side, it manages to dry the oatmeal onto the sides of the bowl nice and hard. I tell guests it's part of the design.

The dumbshits who built our house decided to install the bathtub on a slant and use some special "1952 ClogPro" pipes for the plumbing. So when you try to take a shower, your left foot has water up to the ankle. Then you use your right foot to kick the shampoo bottle, which always falls from the rickety shelf thing.

Neither radio in either car works. I haven't listened to the radio in ages. I've been singing My Sharona to myself in the car for years because that's the last thing I remember.

My basement is starting to look like an indoor pool when it rains hard. Water comes through the walls. I'm serious. I stand there and watch it trickle down the walls. How does that work? How is that much water getting down 8 feet below the surface of the earth and then penetrating through concrete? There's a disgusting hole in the floor (intentional) with a thing called a "sump pump" that's supposed to pump all of the water off the floor and out to Darfur or someplace like that. But it really wasn't working so I had some plumber dudes replace it. Now it works... 50 percent of the time. The other 50 percent of the time I have to poke at it with a mop handle to get it going when it stops. Then I called in a "basement waterproof expert" to give me an estimate to fix the whole stupid thing. It costs $3200 to fix the whole stupid thing. So I'm now debating whether I want a dry basement or food. The guy brought his little 5-year-old kid with him when he did the estimate for me. The kid was cute, but he had to go to the bathroom. So I took him to our spare bathroom and left him in there to do his thing. That was 2 days ago. I'm still scared to go into that bathroom because I'm envisioning pee spatter on everything. That's okay, Jodi will find it eventually.

My right pinkie hurts for no reason.

Today my "Al Gore Environmentally Conscious Keep the Polar Bears from Drowning" electric mower broke. Well, the motor still works but the metal part on the left handle thing broke off. It just snapped. So I got out the duct tape, and like an idiot I tried taping it back together. That worked for a grand total of 1/2 second before it fell off. I went inside and reported the duct tape solution to Jodi. She said, "That won't work." And I said, "Duh." And she said, "You need a rod." And I said, "Well, that's a little personal." And she said, "You need a bar or something to tape on there to keep the handle in one piece." Well, I couldn't find a "rod," so I grabbed my longest screwdriver and I taped it on there to bridge the two pieces of the metal handle. Jodi came outside and said, "That won't work." And I said, "Well, I gotta try something because the lawn is only half-mowed, and I don't want to buy a new mower because this is probably about the last time I have to mow this year. And my pinkie hurts. So I'm gonna try the screwdriver method." And Jodi said, "Okay, well, good luck with that." And she turned around and went back inside. So I tried the screwdriver method and that worked for a grand total of 5.8 seconds. Then I used my super creative "out-of-the-box, cubicle worker" mental skills to figure out that if I only make right turns, I can push the mower in a somewhat straight line for about 20 feet. It's harder than it sounds. And it looks stupider than it sounds. So I did that, and it worked, kind of. But then the battery thing ran out and I only finished two-thirds of the lawn. Tomorrow I will be attempting to finish the final third of the lawn in the middle of a rainstorm, making right turns only with the screwdriver still taped to the handle, before the battery runs out or the right side of the handle snaps off.

Sorry, I'm ranting now. Didn't mean to do that. You'll have to excuse me.

I'm broken.