Recipes from Stupid Children

Jodi's mom brought over a couple of big boxes filled with pictures from the 70s and 80s, and lots of Jodi's old things from when she was a kid. I think she brought these over because she wanted us to feed her.

So in between the pictures of Jodi with pigtails and the report cards (all of which repeatedly said that Jodi MUST try to work on her times tables for once in her life and that Jodi is NOT showing much interest in academics and that Jodi would do better if she didn't TALK SO MUCH IN CLASS) there was a little booklet thing with this on the cover:

KINDERGARTEN KOOKBOOK

Written by: Coronita AM Kindergarten

Date: Mother's Day, May 11, 1975

Well, I picked it up and read all the way through it. And then I set it down and said, "Man, kids are really stupid. These recipes are terrible!" And then I had to quickly say, "Except your recipe, honey. Yours was good." And then when she turned away I rolled my eyes.

I'll let you be the judge. Here they are. Recipes from the 1975 kindergarten class at Coronita Elementary School in Corona, California. I say none of these kids were very bright. Except Jodi of course.

OVER-EASY EGGS

You just crack the eggs open and let them out!

- Scott McIntosh

WATERMELON

1 T. sugar

Cut it in pieces.

Make sure it is cold.

Put on plate on the piano.

- Saul Hernandez

STRAWBERRY PIE

I don't know how to cook the crust, but it's first.

On top of the crust you put sugar and then the berries.

Cook for 11 min. at 300˚

- Carrie Byer

PANCAKES

1 C. grease

2 eggs

1 piece bread

Put on the stove.

Cook 2 hours at 50˚

- Julie Marquecho

WAFFLES

Eggs first and then milk.

Then put butter on them.

Cook them and eat them.

- Velma Filmes

BAKED APPLE

3 C. sugar

1 C. water

4 C. flour

14 apples

Mix everything up.

Cook 2 min. at 4˚

- Alan Cavazos

FRUIT PIE

3 green berries

3 orange berries

9 yellow berries

11 apples

10 T. sugar

11 C. flour

Stir it.

Cook 7 hours at 100˚

- Juliet Gonzales

FRIED RED APPLE

1 C. white sugar

5 apples

1/2 C. milk

little bit cinnamon

Peel apples, put everything else on top.

Fry them in any pan you got.

Cook 4 hours at 10˚

- Jodi Norman

PANCAKES

1 egg

1 T. salt

1 C. milk

1 qt. syrup

1 gob of butter

Cook 24 hours at 30˚

- Tony Hernandez

EGGS - FRIED

Break them - no egg shells.

Put butter on can.

Cook - not very long in a hot pan

- Mark Kennedy

PANCAKES

1/2 C. butter

1/2 C. syrup

1/2 C. oil

1/2 C. flour

1/2 C. toast

Cook 8 hours in real hot pan - 8˚

- Jerald Mendzer

BAKED APPLE

5 T. sugar

Just a little pepper (that's a scoop).

1/2 load butter

3 apples

Mix with a spoon.

Cook in oven 10 hours at 10˚

- Tommy Eilits

FRIED CHICKEN

1 C. grease

1 chicken

little bit of salt

Always use no eggs.

Cook 15 hours at 5˚

- Bryon Weitzeil

ORANGE JUICE

Open a can of juice with a can opener.

Put juice in pitcher and fill the can three or four times with water.

Mix it well, put the lid on and put in "frig."

- Gary Dyal

BAKED APPLE

1 tsp. sugar

5 C. water

lots of butter

Take off all the red stuff.

Bake it 1˚ for 12 hrs.

- Brooke Fair

PANNY CAKES

1/2 C. panny cake mix

4 C. milk

3 eggs

lots of grease

Mix with wooden spoon.

Take spoon and put it on a panny cake pan.

Cook 1 min. at 5˚

- Deena Nolin

BAKED EGG

1 C. oil

1 egg

Mix it in pan.

Cook in pan in the oven 1 min. at 3000˚

-Michael Carrillo

WAFFLES

1/2 C. butter

1/2 C. flour

1/2 C. syrup

1/2 C. egg

1/2 C. salt

Cook in pan until they get soft and start to smoke.

- Rachel Rodriquez

BAKED CHICKEN

1 C. flour

2 C. sugar

3 tsp. salt and pepper

Mix it, set it out in sun on a table until mushy. Then put it in oven.

Bake in oven 12 min. at 5˚

- Melissa Conant

EGGS

Break them.

Put them in a bowl.

Cook 2 hours at 4˚

- Julie Marquecho

APPLE PIE

8 apples

9 C. sugar

3 tsp. milk

Cut off stem.

Cook 4 hours in awful hot pan - 21˚

Always check it.

- Stacy Mascaro

Really Bad Homework

Yes, I'll write something again soon, but I just couldn't resist posting these examples of really bad homework from American students. Maybe because this is kind of how I was back in school... although I was not quite as brave as some of these students. I'm also pretty sure I wasn't quite as, how do you say, "racially insensitive" as a few of these kids (in fact, it's kinda scary some of the things they write). Anyway, I know these are probably gonna piss off some people, but I don't really care. They're funny. Plus, they give us a pretty good look at why the United States scores so low against other nations when it comes to education. I mean, c'mon, the only two countries that score lower than us anymore are Africa and Mississippi.

 

A Few More Motivational Posters

Courtesy of my friend Tony.

He likes the alzheimer's one the best. I'm partial to the trees.

Anyway, happy Friday.

 

Okay, this next one isn't really an inspirational poster, but I still like it.

 

 

 

Motivational Posters

Got these from my friend Tony Calabrese, who writes the blog "Fugetaboutit!!!"

To register complaints, please contact Tony directly. Thank you. Management.

 

The Art of Giving Up

One of my favorite movie lines of all times is from Garden State, where the chief slacker says, "I'm okay with being unimpressive. I sleep better."

That very well could be the real secret to happiness. Being comfortable in your own mediocrity. Either that or having lots and lots of money. I'm really torn between the two.

There was a time when I was ultra competitive. No matter what I was doing, I had to win. And when I lost, I was the sorest loser you've ever seen. Once, after I lost a tennis match, I actually strangled a kitten to death. But in all fairness, it was the kitten's fault for wandering onto the court and taunting me. (No, I didn't really strangle a kitten... it was a small child.)

Then one day in junior high, my basketball coach said to me, "You know, Paul. You're never really going to be good enough. You're too short to play basketball."

Of course, he was right, but maybe the guy shouldn't have been in a position where he was working with kids. I mean, isn't it the first rule of being a teacher that you're supposed to lie to your students? Tell them they can grow up to be anything they want to be? You're not supposed to say, "Yes, Bertha, I realize that you want to grow up and become a doctor. But really, you're far too ugly and stupid. I say you become a maid at the Super 8."

So after my coach told me I was too short to play basketball, that was the beginning of the end. I never went out for basketball again. And whenever I tried something new from that point on and it didn't work out, I quit. Did quitting make me a better person? Of course not. But did it free up a lot more of my time so that I could take naps? Absolutely. I might be a loser, but I'm a well-rested loser.

And now, as an adult, I see other adults all the time who never learned the same valuable lesson that I once did: Sometimes, you're just not good enough and it's okay to give up. You see them in recreation basketball and softball leagues. They act like complete jackasses and just cannot take anything less than winning. Even when it's just a friendly board game with friends or relatives, the competitive spirit kicks in, obnoxiousness ensues, and then I don't want to be around them anymore. They're the reason why some people climb up on towers with guns.

Recently, Jodi's family was over at our house. And every 6 or 7 years, Jodi decides that we should break out our board games. This was one of those times.

So I went out to the garage and brought in our dusty box of board games. They chose Balderdash.

Balderdash is a game where one person picks out a real word, movie, person, etc. (usually a goofy one) and then the other players try to make up a definition/description for it. You get points for tricking other people into picking your definition as the real one... or something like that. I wasn't really paying attention.

Early in the game, I was winning, but then the quitter in me took over and I stopped trying. And, as usual, that turned out to be a lot more fun, and relaxing. Meanwhile, somebody in the game (I won't mention any names, but she gave birth to Jodi) was getting more and more competitive as the game went on. This made me try even less.

Here are some sample rounds from our game. I put an asterisk next to the correct definition. It's usually pretty easy to tell which definition is mine...

NEPIMNEMIC

*Memories of one's youth kept in the subconscious.

Family members who are anemic.

The term for a person who is unable to process glucose.

A person who takes laxatives to lose weight.

A disease where you throw up on a skinny relative.

SPRAINTS

*What otter dung is really called.

Brand name for bandage to wrap sprained ankles.

Lines that form in plastic from being poured into a mold.

To pull a muscle.

Holy men or women with sprained ankles.

CRIZZLE

*A rough, bumpy surface on a pane of glass.

A term used in pottery when adding colors before glazing.

The leftover food in a man's beard.

Ebonics term that means sizzlin hot like bacon.

Urban slang for "crazy." As in, "Don't be actin' all crizzle in my hizzle when I got grizzle in my shizzle!"

ICHNITE

*A fossilized footprint.

A parasite that crawls into the rectum and causes severe diarrhea.

Saliva crust that forms in the corners of your mouth from sleeping with it open.

A hillbilly's way of pronouncing "Ignite." As in: "Hey, Cooter! Hurry and ichnite the fire!"

When a German sets something on fire.

DRINTLING

*A group of 2 or more turkeys.

A silver cup used for wine tasting.

The opposite of a dingaling.

Dwarf spawn of Drint, Dark Sorceress of planet Duh.

An infant with an abnormally large dent in its head.

FIGGUM

*A dangerous trick that involves juggling while spitting fire.

An untruth.

A botanical term to describe how a leaf is attached to a plant.

A pudding served at Christmas.

A homosexual stuck to a tree.

ALVARY TEMPLO (PERSON)

*Inventor of the amazing underwater bicycle.

The first Canadian to climb Mount Everest.

Discovered the Northwest Passage through Canada to Alaska.

Inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver.

The first midget to finish the New York marathon.

BASKETCASE (MOVIE)

*A nice young man arrives at a New York City hotel with his deformed, telepathic mutant brother in a wicker basket.

A movie about mental illness and how it plays out within the family.

A woman suffers from amnesia after her husband hits her in the head with a frying pan.

I got nothing.

A crazy mother who chops up her children and makes crafts out of them.

DIDUNCULUS

*The only living relative of the dodo bird.

Hybrid of the flower rinoculous.

An idiot who says something ridiculous.

The act of processing cheese from curd into dip.

The capital of Nebraska.

 PAXWAX

*A new growth of hair on the head.

Brand name of an ear wax removal wash.

Wax used on surfboards.

Some kind of wax.

A full-body wax where you even do the undercarriage and really get up in there and wax the business.

COCKCHAFER

*A beetle which eats cornstalks.

I don't know but it doesn't sound good.

Some guy acting like a jackass.

Scrub brush used on a cock (rooster).

One who drives penises around the neighborhood.

ALIPILE

*Servant employed to remove unwanted armpit hair.

The silky smooth crushed velvet used to line coffins.

A bump in the road.

Alligator dung.

A pile of dead little girls.

And that's how I spent three hours of my life on Saturday night. I didn't win. I came in dead last, by a wide margin, like I usually do these days.

But I slept really well.

From the Same People Who Brought You Volume 1

Today I read about a child prodigy who performed his first surgical operation at the age of 7.

Okay, two things...

First thing: When I was 7, I was eating Cheese Puffs and watching television. Which is the same thing I'm doing right now, at the age of 41.

Second thing: If you're the guy who let a 7-year-old operate on you, does that make you the stupidest person in the world? I'm just saying.

Now that I have that out of my system, I can tell you that You Had Me At Idiot: Volume 2 is now officially available.

Like Volume 1, some chapters in Volume 2 are based on material from the blog. Other chapters consist of material that has never before been seen by the naked eye. Stuff like "My Brief Life of Crime," "The Day I Almost Killed the Kid on the Cliff," and "The Ugliest Group of People in the World."

No animals were injured during the production of this book.

To buy, click the "Online Store" link to the right.

Mullet Collage

A lot of people have gone out of their way to extend their condolences and send me things after my sister died in May. And I send out a great big "Thanks" and a hug to everyone who did. But nothing has meant quite as much to me or lifted my spirits nearly as much as what my friend Lori sent. For me, it pretty much sums up the meaning of life.

"Hi Paul... Was trying to think what I could do to make you feel better...so I decided to make you a mullet collage."

Note to everyone: When my time on earth finally comes to an end, this is what I want on my headstone.

For Your Viewing Pleasure

I've had zero time to write anything lately, so here's something for your viewing pleasure...

My all-time favorite Saturday Night Live sketch. Just wish I could find the full version somewhere...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=4122944961711350389

My all-time second favorite Saturday Night Live sketch...

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-6876135990509187886

My all-time third favorite Saturday Night Live sketch...

http://youtube.com/watch?v=eFBZb94Y6G8

And then this thing is just flat out disturbing...

http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1709994