Cinderella and the Missing Slipper... of Death

Years ago when I worked at Vineyard Preschool, I used to read my own version of Cinderella to the children to see if I could get them to cry. As I recall, the story went something like this…

Once upon a time there lived a man and his wife. They had a daughter named Cinderella, but they didn’t like Cinderella very much because she went to Vineyard Preschool. One day, Cinderella’s mother was hit by a golf ball and died. The man buried his wife in the backyard and put Cinderella on timeout.

The next day, the man married his second wife. She was the ugliest, meanest, smelliest turdball he could find. Her name was Barbara. She had two daughters, both also named Barbara, who were almost as disgusting as she was. While Barbara’s own daughters were given the best of everything, Cinderella was given only a used toothbrush and a broken safety pin. 

It was Cinderella’s responsibility to do all of the chores around the house. She had to scrub the floors, prepare the meals, wax the phone, grease the corn, ruffle the termites, vacuum the cat, iron the sandwiches, defrost the tennis court, and bring in the sponges. And she was forced to complete all of these chores using only her used toothbrush and her broken safety pin. When she asked for a new safety pin to help her complete her work faster, she was promptly stabbed with a fork. 

Oh, and did I mention that during the Christmas season Cinderella’s stepmother made her be the tree? Well, she did. From Thanksgiving through New Year’s Day, Cinderella would have to stand in the middle of the living room with her arms outstretched while the rest of the family painted her green and hung tinsel and tacky ornaments all over her. And if Cinderella moved, her stepmother would throw a shoe at her head.

It wasn't long before Cinderella suspected that something was wrong with her home environment.

Now it happened that the king’s son gave a ball, because it was Lent. Cinderella’s ugly stepsisters were invited. But Cinderella was not invited, because she went to Vineyard Preschool. 

For weeks, the two Barbaras pranced around, bragging about what they planned to wear to the ball.

“I’m going to wear my rainbow-colored halter top and my new bowling shoes!” 

“Well, I’m going to wear my brown and pink bridesmaid dress from Tammy Schlunker’s wedding and my Radio Shack pith helmet!” 

“Well, I’m going to wear my Liza Minelli disco pants and my orange ankle weights!” 

“Well, I’m going to wear my Wonder Woman Underoos on the outside of my dress and my 'Generation X I Don’t Care About Anyone But Myself Because The World Has Already Been Ruined For Me And My Friends And I Really Don’t Have Any Motivation In Life Except To Ride My Skateboard And Talk About How Kurt Cobain Was The Real Messiah Even Though He Didn’t Like To Take Baths' broach.”

Cinderella had to iron their disco pants, and wash their pith helmets, and shine their bowling shoes. It was so hard with that broken safety pin. And she was forced to stand there and admire the glamorous outfits that her stepsisters modeled time and time again. 

Finally the day of the ball arrived. Cinderella’s stepsisters left for the big event in a glorious cloud of fashion splendor, peddling away on their brand spankin’ new bicycles with their bright orange flags flowing in the breeze. Poor Cinderella watched them disappear over the horizon. She was crying, because she thought how marvelous it would be to have an orange flag of her very own.

All of a sudden, her fairy godmother appeared out of nowhere. Cinderella was so startled she wet herself.

Her fairy godmother noticed that Cinderella was crying, so she said, “Shut up! I’ll give you something to cry about!”

"But I want to go to the ball," cried Cinderella.

“Well…. then go,” said her godmother. 

“But how shall I get there, Fairy Godmother?” asked Cinderella. 

Her fairy godmother replied, “It’s only four friggin blocks away, for God sake!”   

Cinderella hung her head and started to cry again.

So her fairy godmother said, “Oh, very well! Just shut the hell up, will ya? Now, go find me a pumpkin, four rats, a screwdriver, nine containers of sour cream, three old tennis balls, a phone book, and a dozen lawnmowers.”

So Cinderella gathered all of the items her fairy godmother had specified, but it took quite awhile because she had to steal most of the lawnmowers and kill the rats. 

Her fairy godmother tipped a garbage can on its side and instructed Cinderella to place all of the items around it.  Then the fairy godmother flailed her magic spatula about and chanted these magic words:   

“Shlameel! Shlamazel!

Hasenfeffen Corporated!

Give us any chance we’ll take it!

Give us any rule we’ll break it!

We’re gonna make our dreams come true!   

(Doin’ it always!)

Never heard the word ‘Impossible!’”   

Da da da da da da da da!

This time there’s no stopping us!   

Da da da da da!” 

And then, POOF!

When the smoke cleared, Cinderella could hardly believe what she saw: The tipped-over trashcan was now equipped with four shiny wheels, a banana seat, and a great big orange flag. 

“There! Now you are ready to go the stupid ball!” said her fairy godmother. 

Cinderella replied, “The garbagecycle is just wonderful, Fairy Godmother! I never imagined that I would travel in such a fashion! But there is one other thing… Am I to go to the ball looking like this?” 

“What the hell is the matter now?!” 

“Well, it’s just that… I was hoping to have a prettier outfit than just this old window shade and pot holder—especially one that's not soaked in urine,” said Cinderella.

Her fairy godmother shouted, “That is a perfectly fine outfit! It was good enough for your Confirmation and for your First Communion, and it’s good enough for you now!” 

Cinderella began to cry and pee again, so her fairy godmother beat her on the head with her magic spatula.   

Finally, she said to her, “Very well then. Close your eyes.” 

Cinderella closed her eyes. The fairy godmother waved her magic spatula and chanted these magic words:   

“Love! Exciting and new!

Come aboard! We’re expecting you!   

And love! Life’s sweetest reward!   

Let it flow! It will come back to you!   

The Love Boat! Soon we’ll be making another run!   

The Love Boat! Something for everyone!   

Set a course for adventure!   

Your mind on a new romance!   

And love…“

And then, POOF!

This time, when the smoke cleared Cinderella saw that the most beautiful glass slippers in the world were on her feet! And they went just perfectly with her old urine-soaked window shade and pot holder! 

Cinderella cried and hugged her gracious fairy godmother. She thanked her again and again, because no one had ever shown Cinderella such kindness and compassion. 

Then Cinderella climbed onto her garbagecycle. The joy was leaking out of her ears and nose! (This is the way they described massive joy in the old days. Interesting to note, this would also describe massive cerebral hemorrhage when the integrity of the meningial lining was compromised.)

Her fairy godmother warned her to be back home by nine-thirty or else everything would return to normal. 

And Cinderella said, “Nine-thirty?! Nine-thirty?! Why, before my father married Miss Psycho Bitch From Hell, he used to let me stay out until at least ten!” 

But her fairy godmother was a real stickler for rules and would not negotiate. She even took away one of the shiny garbagecycle wheels on account of Cinderella’s little outburst. 

Cinderella regained her composure, said farewell to her fairy godmother, and set off for the ball.

When Cinderella finally arrived, the king’s son was told that the most beautiful princess in the world, whom no one had ever seen before, had arrived. Fortunately, the prince was not interested in her and had his heart set on Cinderella instead. 

He danced with Cinderella and told her how beautiful she was. He also made all sorts of insane promises to her.   

Everyone agreed that she was quite beautiful, and even her sisters did not recognize her. It was the most wonderful night that Cinderella could remember, except for the time when one of her neighbors threw away almost an entire bag of marshmallows and Cinderella found it before the dogs got it! Can you believe that? Almost an entire bag of marshmallows!

Before Cinderella knew what had happened, she heard the clock strike nine-thirty. So she spit out her food, ran out of the room as fast as she could, dropped one of her slippers on the steps, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…

When Cinderella’s stepsisters finally came home, they told her all about the fabulous ball. They briefly mentioned the beautiful and mysterious princess who had left so suddenly, but mostly they talked about the prince’s butt and about the skinheads who crashed the party around eleven o’clock. 

The next day the king sent out a proclamation declaring that the prince would marry the girl whose foot fit the beautiful glass slipper. Cinderella was certain that the prince would be visiting her house before long, and that he would discover that the glass slipper belonged to her. 

Unfortunately, it was not a very good system for finding the missing princess. I mean, do you know how many people wear a size 8? It was at the very first house that a girl was found whose foot fit the glass slipper perfectly. It wasn't even the right foot for the shoe and it still fit perfectly. That day, the prince was married to a husky seventh grader with acne named Jennifer Lubbler. 

All of this, of course, was enough to make Cinderella crack. She killed her entire family with her toothbrush and safety pin and fled town. But she was found two days later, hiding out 8 miles away in an abandoned shed with her scabby boyfriend Jeff, who has not been mentioned in the story until now for no good reason.

After the Lincoln County Sheriff’s department had fired some 600 rounds of ammunition into the shed, they released the orange pit bulls. Seconds later, the orange pit bulls emerged from the bullet-ridden shed, dragging the naked, bloody corpse of Jeff. They tore at the flesh and shook it around with their plaid fangs. 

Then the French gladiators charged the shed with their napalm folding chairs. But suddenly, Cinderella’s body grew to 800 feet high and 20,000 feet wide, dwarfing the Lincoln County Sheriff’s department, who pathetically tried to slay her with their Old Navy Performance Fleece.

But it was in vain, for Cinderella’s blubbery thighs squished the entire Sheriff’s department and spread out so that she was now causing the earth to buckle under her weight. She let out a tremendous roar, shooting a sea of fire and graham crackers out of her mouth. And then she just exploded, sending chunky Cinderella debris all over Vineyard Preschool. And all of the children in the school were put on timeout forever and ever.

The End

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The Princess and the Pea... of Death

Once upon a time, a long, long time ago, in a land far, far away, back when I was in college, I got a job working at a preschool. It was my job to watch the kids on the playground to make sure wild dogs did not carry them off. And from time to time, I was asked to read stories to the kids.

One day, it dawned on me: Wait a minute. I don't even like kids. What am I doing here? Well, I needed the money, so I didn't quit right away. But in order to keep my sanity, I had a tendency to make slight changes to the stories as I read them to the children, kind of like this.......

There once was a prince who wanted desperately to marry a princess. But she had to be a true princess, not a fake one like his brother Earl had married. There is nothing worse than marrying someone you think is a bona fide princess, and then later find out that she is actually an assistant manager at Pizza Hut.

So the prince journeyed all over the world to find a true princess, but no matter where he went, something was wrong -- too skinny, too fat, too tall, too short, too smart, too dumb, too nice, too cranky, too much mascara, too little patience, too much emotional baggage, too little therapy, too much therapy, etc.

So he returned home and was very sad, for his parents had rented out his room while he was away...

And there was nothing to watch on TV...

And his body was rejecting his new kidney...

And he had a paper cut...

And the only thing for breakfast was this:

Yum. Yum.

One evening there was a terrible storm. The prince’s mother, Queen Barbara, had been incontinent all week, so they knew that the approaching storm was going to be very severe.

Suddenly, someone knocked at the castle gate. The old king himself went out to answer it because... well... because he had nothing better to do than run outside and be pelted by hail the size of the queen’s head.

A beautiful princess was standing at the gate, but because of the wind, rain, and hail, she looked more like Jerry Garcia (before he died).

However, she insisted that she really was a true princess; she showed the king her union card and everything. So he let her in.

The queen, of course, did not believe that she was a real princess, because the queen was a selfish pig who didn’t want anyone to be happy except herself. Did I mention that her name was Barbara?

Anyway, the queen decided to test the truthfulness of the girl’s claim, so she took a pea (not “pee”) and placed it under 20 mattresses, because peas are to princesses what kryptonite is to Superman.

So the princess was shown the bed on which she was to sleep that night. And she thought to herself, “Good Lord, these people are freaks!”

In the morning the king’s family saw bumps and bruises all over the princess and they asked her how she had slept. She answered, “Not too well.”

So they thought, “She is a true princess, for only a true princess could have felt the pea beneath all of those Sealy Posturepedics!”

The prince was overjoyed, and he knew he had found his bride. Of course, she would need reconstructive surgery and a great deal of physical therapy before the wedding ceremony. Otherwise she would look like this:

But he had waited this long and decided he could wait a while longer.

However, they were all mistaken, because it wasn’t the pea at all that had made the princess black and blue. No, it was her vicious white trash husband with the 12 extra Y chromosomes, Billy Bob Buford!

You see, the princess was actually a battered wife, and it was Billy Bob who had caused her wounds during the night by hitting her repeatedly for not winning the big line dancing contest held during the recent Ozark Snort ‘n Scratch Fest.

Just then, Billy Bob came into the room, rubbing his flaccid, white gut with one hand and holding a Coors with the other. “C’mon now, Lula Mae,” he belched. “Billy Jr’s waitin’ in the Trans Am for his momma.”

The princess did not move. In a rage, Billy Bob threw his beer bottle against the wall and started to make a violent move toward the princess.

The king quickly assessed the situation and said, "Okay, everyone stay calm. It's probably more afraid of us than we are of it."

At this, Billy Bob cut off the king's head with a broken shard of Coors glass, quickly dispelling that theory.

And then O.J... I mean, Billy Bob... headed for the princess, determined to cut off her head too.

But it was not to be, for the princess was concealing a sawed-off shot gun underneath her Shania Twain jumpsuit. And she used the shot gun to blow a huge hole in Billy Bob’s flaccid, white, Lynyrd Skynyrd, mutated gut.

And then the prince and princess got married or something, I can't remember. Or maybe he just got her pregnant... Something like that.

And then they bought a Toyota and kept forgetting to change the oil in it...

And then Sanford and Son came on...

And then the queen died of the West Nile Virus...

And then they fed her entrails to pigeons...

And then they had a child. And it looked like this:

The End.

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