For about the millionth time, I watched what is possibly my favorite movie of all time, To Kill a Mockingbird. And every time I watch it, I think the same thing: Man, I'm a bad person. I need to be more like Atticus Finch. I need to really try to be a better person. And then I watched the movie Team America: World Police, and I thought to myself: I really need to kill some terrorists.
Then the idea came to me. The idea that helps me to accomplish both--be more like Atticus Finch and kill terrorists at the same time. It actually came to me on Halloween night.
In the past, our typical routine for Halloween was to turn off the lights and sit in the dark, ignoring the doorbell, until the neighborhood went to sleep. This year, for some reason we didn't do that. Instead, we bought loads of candy, and our doorbell rang all night, every 2 seconds.
Some of the kids who came to our door were incredibly cute. I'm talking about the real little kids 6 years and younger. Our favorite kid in the world, Gwyneth from next door, stopped by. From the front, you'd think she was wearing a princess costume, but then when you looked at her back, you saw that she was wearing a cape with a Superman-type logo. But instead of an "S," it had a "G." It's her "Super Gwyneth" costume. She was in the same group as another really cute neighbor kid wearing a little monkey costume. He's something like 2 years old, still a few years away from knowing he's alive, and he stood there with his mouth half-open, and this completely mesmerized look while I crouched down and held the bowl of candy out in front of him. The expression of utter amazement on his face was priceless. And then there was the little boy who showed up in a frog costume. His hands were webbed, so he was completely unable to grab hold of any candy, but God knows he tried and tried and tried. These are the kind of kids that make you think, Maybe I shouldn't have had that vasectomy after all. Maybe we should have had children instead.
But then all the other kids show up, and you remember why you had the surgery.
These are the kids who don't even bother to say "Trick or Treat." They reach into the bowl and grab a huge amount of candy and don't even say, "Thank you." Some of them don't even bother to wear costumes, unless you count a "juvenile delinquent" as a legitimate costume. Some of these kids are from middle-class families, and others are kids who are driven from neighborhood to neighborhood by their white trash parents. You see them waiting out there in their hybrid cars. And when I say "hybrid," I'm not talking about the cars that are part gas/part electric. I'm talking about the cars where the hood belongs to a Camaro, the right door belongs to a Chevy Citation, the left door belongs to a school bus, the engine belongs to a John Deere, etc. The parents sit out their in their gravy-stained clothes, smoking cigarettes, and yelling at their little cracker spawn, "Kids! Git on over there and git some candy! Momma wants a Butterfinger!"
It became obvious to me on Halloween that it's pretty easy to tell immediately which kids will grow up to be normal, and which will grow up to be criminals (if they're not already). That's the easy part. But what can be done? What can you, as a concerned citizen who wants to be more like Atticus Finch, do about it? One thing is clear. It's very important to be proactive and to approach these young people when they're still young.
Here's my idea...
The doorbell rings. If you open it and it's a Super Gwyneth, a cute little toddler dressed as a monkey who is too overwhelmed to move a muscle, or a tiny frog boy who has a hard time grabbing a Tootsie Roll, then you just smile, give them candy, and send them on their merry way. But if it's one of those greedy, ungrateful little miscreants, you give them a piece of candy AND direct them to a nearby table where your wife takes their fingerprints. Then, when they're distracted, you shoot a computer chip into their necks and tag them like you would a caribou.
You provide the fingerprints and tracking data to all law enforcement and wildlife agencies. Then when a crime is committed in the future, they just scan the database, use the tracking equipment to locate the little criminal, place snipers strategically on rooftops, and take them out... Just like Atticus Finch shooting that dog with rabies... I feel better about myself already.
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