Sometimes I wake up in the morning and right off the bat, I'm in trouble. It doesn't matter that I was unconscious for the last 9 hours. If she has a dream where I did something wrong, it still counts. That's just how love works.
The other morning, I get out of bed and the first thing I hear from Jodi is, "You were so mean to me last night."
Now, there was a time when something like that would have confused me. I would have looked at her and said, "What are you talking about? Last night we watched a girl movie that you chose and then we went to bed? What did I do?" But now I know better.
This is a tip for all you new husbands out there. If you wake up and your wife is mad at you, chances are pretty good that you screwed up really bad in one of her dreams.
"But that's not fair," you say. "How can I be responsible for what happens in her dreams?" you say.
Yeah. Just go ahead and say that to her. See how that kind of "logic" works out for you. Trust me, it'll go over like a big old turd in a punch bowl.
Don't try to figure it out. Just apologize. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
So the other morning, when Jodi said, "You were so mean to me last night," I just said, "Sorry dear."
Then she explained. "First, I dreamed that we were at Casey's wedding. And it was beautiful. And we were all sitting around at a table at the reception, laughing and having a good time with all of our friends. And then you were just so pissy and said, 'Why do you always keep it so cold in the house?! You're always trying to freeze me to death!'"
Which is true. She does like to keep it around -20 degrees in the house overnight so that I wake up unable to breathe due to frozen boogers. But I would never ever yell at her about it, especially in public. I love my wife. I love her too much to do that. Plus, I'm scared of her.
So I just said, "Sorry dear."
"Then I had a second dream," she continued.
Oh good, a double header.
"In my second dream, we went on vacation to some island, like in the Caribbean."
Normally, this would be a good thing. But I know for a fact that Jodi doesn't want to go to the Caribbean. It doesn't appeal to her at all. So I just said, "Sorry dear."
"Yeah, and our hotel was just a floating tent thing. It was just bobbing off a pier somewhere."
Jodi hates to be out on the water.
"Sorry dear."
"Yeah, and it was tied to all these other little floating tent things with other guests in them."
Jodi hates to be near other people.
"Sorry dear."
"Yeah, and we were all just bobbing out there on the water, getting sick. And you had this little light thing for your tent, but you could see inside everybody else's tent, so nobody wanted to turn their light on."
"And how did that make you feel, dear?"
It's important to empathize with your wife's feelings and talk like Dr. Phil, especially when you're the reason she's upset.
"Oh I hated it! I can't believe you took me on vacation there!"
"Sorry dear."
"Yeah, and you could hear every little thing anybody was doing in their floating tent thing. It was disgusting!"
"That must have been awful."
"It was!"
"I don't know what I was thinking."
"Me neither! And whenever you had to go to the bathroom, they gave you a whistle. And you had to open up the flap in your tent thing and blow it."
"Really?"
"Really! And then these weird native guys would come out in a little boat to get you. And they'd take you over to some other little tent thing on the shore and you'd have to go to the bathroom in this hole in the ground."
"Sorry dear."
"You should be! It was horrible! I never want to go back there again! Don't you ever take me there again!"
By this point, she's really good and pissed at me. So there's nothing I can do but start singing real soft and sweet in her ear: "You're once....... twice....... three times a ladaaaeeyy....... and I luh uh uh uh uuuuuv eweeeeeuuuuuu....."
And then at this point she usually hits me with a shovel and I die.
Recent Comments