Tim Burton collects false teeth.
Yes, you heard me right. Tim Burton collects false teeth. That's what I've been told anyway. I don't know what he does with all the old people he gets them from, but Tim Burton collects false teeth.
Johnny Depp plays with dolls. Again, not kidding. That's his hobby. Okay, maybe I heard wrong and he doesn't play with them, but merely collects them. But either way... ewww.
Tiger Woods likes to go spear fishing. That's correct. He likes to go underwater and shoot fish with spears. Imagine that. You're a little fish, just swimming around, minding your own business, chewing on some kelp, and SLICE! Your head's gone! Why? Because the billionaire was bored.
Sarah Jessica Parker likes to knit. So does my sister-in-law and my mother-in-law. I can't even mention the word without falling asleep... Knit... If you were a doctor about to perform surgery on me, you wouldn't even need to use any anesthesia. You could just stand over me and say, "Knitting... Knitting... Knitting." That's all it would take. But hey, some people like it. That's their thing, and they're able to stay awake while they do it. More power to them.
Angelina Jolie is another collector. She collects daggers. That's correct. Angelina Jolie's hobby is collecting daggers... and small brown children. Neither one is a hobby I would choose, but that's okay.
You see, that's what I love about hobbies: everybody has at least one and all hobbies are stupid. Hobbies are the great equalizer. It's what binds everyone in the human race together.
Forget love. Not everybody has love.
Same with health insurance. Lots of people don't have it.
Thumbs? Unfortunately, not everybody got a full pair.
A soul? Nope. While most humans have a soul, sadly some people were born without one. Sorry non-Catholics.
But everybody has a hobby.
No matter who you are, I can guarantee that you have at least one hobby. And furthermore, I can tell you for a fact that your hobby.................. is stupid.
Oh, I know that you love your hobby. I know that you don't think it's stupid. What I'm telling you is that somewhere in this world, somebody thinks your hobby is the dumbest thing they've ever heard of.
Webster's defines a hobby as "Some dumb thing that you do to kill time until you die."
And it's staggering how many hobbies are out there.
There's collecting. Lots of people are collectors. Stamps, comic books, coins, guns, arrests, paroles, rolling pins, figurines. Just hoarding as much crap as you can find until you die and your family donates it to a landfill. It's clearly stupid. And it makes your undersized hovel look really ridiculous with all of that junk piled everywhere. But hey, we can see that it makes you smile (unless of course Tim Burton has your teeth).
Then there's what I like to call the "bum hobbies."
Things like dumpster diving. I don't know how you first get the impulse to jump into a filthy garbage can to separate the good scum from the bad scum, but God bless ya.
Or metal detecting. These guys who spend 14 hours a day combing a beach to find a Canadian dime. Look man, please, just stop. I'll give you a dollar and the rest of my Slurpee if you'll just stop.
My wife told me there's a hobby called scrapbooking. I've heard of scrapbooks, but I didn't really know it could be a full-time hobby. I mean, don't you just kinda wait around all year until your cow or bucket of jelly gets a ribbon at the county fair 4-H thingie? Then you take your ribbon home, put it into your scrapbook, close it, and start preparing for next year's county fair 4-H thingie? Apparently, there's more goofiness to scrapbooking than I know about.
Some people have hobbies that are of a spiritual nature. Like astrology (a.k.a., making shit up) or religion (a.k.a.,, making shit up while wearing a tie), or scientology (a.k.a., making shit up with celebrities and then suing people).
I'm right there with you people too. My hobbies are just as dumb, if not dumber, than any of yours. In fact, I wasted all of last weekend on one of the dumbest hobbies of all time -- the National Football League Draft.
I know that I'm going to have to explain this draft deal to some of you. In the same way that I would need you to explain your hobby if it were something like that pretend medieval sword fighting thing that you sometimes see groups of overweight virgins playing in the public park.
I love professional football. And every April, they have a list of the best college football players who want to turn professional. All of the pro teams take turns picking players from this list to join their team. The worst team from the previous season picks first, and the best team picks last. It's a big, big deal. There's loads of money that goes into this thing. For months and months people try to guess which team is going to pick which guys, and then it all comes to a climax on a Saturday and Sunday in late April, when the actual draft happens. Idiots just like me sit there in front of their television sets in dark rooms all over the country, while a perfectly beautiful day outside is completely ignored. We sit there and watch this thing unfold hour after hour, following every move simulateously with 8 million browser windows open on our laptops. We can't stand the suspense! Who's gonna be picked next?! Who's it gonna be?! I gotta know now!!!!
Pretty dumb, right? Well, it gets even dumber.
There are so many college football teams all over the country that you can't possibly know all of the players in the draft. Most guys follow only a few teams at most. I, for one, don't even follow college football at all. Probably because I didn't go to a college that had a football team. We barely had cafeteria workers, let alone a football team.
So there's lots of guys like me who don't really know any of the football players who are being drafted. We've never seen them play at all. But we know how tall they are, how much they weigh, how high they can jump, and how fast they can run around orange cones (because, no kidding, they time these guys running around orange cones and then they tell us how fast they were). And yet, we're all just dying to know who our team is going to pick.
I sit there like a dumbass, hour upon hour, and I root for my team to pick certain players. So, you're probably thinking, if I know nothing about any of the players, how do I choose which ones I want my team to pick? I can't speak for any of my other fellow idiots, but personally, I go by the guy's name. I'm not joking.
For example, on Saturday I wanted my team to pick a guy named Alex Mack. Because that just sounds like a big mean guy who will kick someone's ass. Alex Mack. That's who I wanted. And if they didn't get him, I was thinking maybe Phil Loadholt or Eric Wood or Rey Maualuga. They just sound like good football names. Seriously, that's the only criteria I had. I wanted one of those guys. I didn't want the guy named Andy Levitre, because every time I heard his name I thought about all of those commercials with the middle-aged couples who can't get it up. And if Neal Lomax was in the draft, I wouldn't have wanted him because his named would have made me think about those commercials with the middle-aged men who spend all their time together doing "guy things" but they all have to pee every 5 seconds because of their enlarged prostates.
By the way, in the first round my team picked a guy named Ziggy. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.
So yes, I'm a big idiot and I have a really stupid hobby. But then, so do you, you loser.
If so, world already united. Because world is stupid.
Posted by: hot celebrities | December 07, 2009 at 02:03 AM